THRIV3::{discipline.love.passion}

i’ve wanted to speak, but felt like words failed to come. how do i express hope and sorrow in the same breath. being torn and healed. spinning.

Your love is like a rock when i’m spinning…

we’ll i’ve been hit from every corner, i’ve been thrown from side to side
i’m cracked up on the inside, so i come to You for life

Your presence always heals me, so i’ll wanna drink it in
You know where we’re going God, and You know where i’ve been

and Your love is like a rock when i’m spinning,
Your love is like a rock when i’m spinning
Your love is like a rock when i’m spinning around

yesterday i felt so angry, and today so insecure
and i hate it that i wrestle with the God i adore

and i know less about You, but my heart loves You so much more.
Your the bright in sadness
Your my brightness

i wish this thing could pass from me, but i’m wanting what You want.
so bring me high, or bring me low, just hold me in Your love

(Charile Hall - My Brightness)

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these are the words my heart has failed to speak, thanks charlie.
take everything LORD, i just want You.

the brilliant sight that greeted me this morning! as the clouds ushered in the arrival of the sun!

[Psalm 8]

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is Your name in all the earth!
You have set Your glory
above the heavens.

from the lips of children and infants
You have ordained praise
because of Your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

when I consider Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which You have set in place,

what is man that You are mindful of him,
the son of man that You care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of Your hands;
You put everything under his feet:

all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,

the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

Last night i lugged my bucket of hot water into a tiny bathroom and proceeded to bathe. this afternoon i made up a system to wash my clothes by hand. i came inside, hot and sweaty and laid on my tile floor to cool off. and as my muscles ached and i found my attitude changing to one of disgruntlement, i remembered this quote:

Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it’s a small price to pay for living a dream. - Peter McWilliams

i don’t know this peter mcwilliams man, but he’s on to something here. comfort isn’t what i want, i want a life that’s pleasing to the Lord. and to the mexican i become mexican to win some for the gospel, so i will continue to live “inconveniently” because it’s all part of the adventure He calls us to.

we were meant to live for so much more -switchfoot

it’s been a pretty craptastic week or two. i can’t seem to get into rhythm. i’m in this weird limbo/transition period right now, and i don’t like it. God has been revealing a lot of idols in my heart lately. i keep telling Him what i want, and He keeps asking if i trust Him… i don’t really like this dialog. i mean i do, but it’s been difficult. i deeply desire more of Him, and yet i struggle against it. i debating how much to share of what’s floating in my head, because a lot of my thoughts would seem pretty random to most, and yet somehow they all fit together for me. i have a lot of time, and yet i feel like God has been calling me to be still. i try to get lost in distraction, and so i’ve been struggling with sin. lust and gluttony are my distractions of choice. oh how easily i wander, how easily i’m pulled away and ensnared by the immediate relief they offer. i’ve been doing a lot of remembering lately, a lot of reflecting. i miss a lot of things… God why do i have these memories, what would you have me to do with them? how easily i doubt His promises, how quickly i forget His faithfulness. i’d like to leave this all tidy and concluded, but sitting here, i feel like a mess. i can’t always finish with answers because i’m still in progress.

dear beloved

there are those moments of clarity when things come into focus, and you just know.

you beg and plead for answers, to just understand… and He responds.

how many times do we ask and not listen? how many times have we cried out and assumed Him silent.

but in knowing, can we hold unswervingly to the Hope that we have? can we trust Him, completely and entirely…

we know Him trustworthy and yet tremble at His response.

have you ever been shook to the core, to the very fiber that holds you together?

praying fervently and unceasingly:

that you would know a love that surpasses understanding
that in Him you would find breath and life and every good thing
that you would lose your life to gain it

a dim reflection,
yours

so i rarely journal…

but i needed to flesh out some things. i’ve been in this crazy place lately. it’s hard to put to words. maybe i’m just bad with words. it seems when i need them the most they fail me. when i’d like to express myself clearly, i’m the least clear. and yet i have these moments of pure brilliance. that sounded pretty prideful, i apologize. but seriously, like God has allowed me to be present to watch him work. and my heart swells to think that i want that for you. i want you to know Him and see Him, even if for brief glimpses of something indescribable. i desire to share that, to see people encounter and experience Him. i’ve been feeling discontent lately. i want more than this. and i don’t mean like empty. i mean like i feel like i settle for good. but He is great, He is creator King of the universe. am i limiting Him? like my little plans could compare to His? it’s just i’ve seen bad, i’ve seen ugly, i’ve seen horrible. like i’m negotiating with Him, and telling Him i’m okay with good… i just don’t want horrible. but He’s sitting there saying you can do good, but only i can do great. the holidays are hard. this whole single thing is beginning to weigh. like i could have something, but i don’t just want something, i want something beautiful … something that reflects who He is. so i pray for that. i pray for something beyond me, something only He can provide and is capable of.

i’ve tried to describe my life before, and always the best descriptive i have is i’m caught in the whirlwind that is God. not even sure if that’s really adequate, but it’s the closest i’ve got. but if i’m inviting someone to join me in it, i’d have to ask them if they’re ready for an adventure. He’s been so faithful in that prayer, and the invitation stands.

and so i await the next adventure… maybe the next chapter in the story. you get the picture.

father… i can’t do it! i’m incapable and inadequate. i need you. oh, how i need you. i’m pleading that you grow me in grace, mercy, and compassion.

i know truth, i know you are truth and the words you speak are true. but how do i walk in grace and truth.

teach me to breath grace!

you have me, you know that i love you. give me the wisdom that John possessed.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14

For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 1:17

oh sweet Erosion, break me and make me whole…

marrying a woman of God; a co-laborer, companion, and compliment
a woman who’d allow me to serve, love, cherish, nourish, and lead her
who loves God with every fiber of her being, and loves people.
she sees children as a blessing, and desires to love and disciple them.
who mentors other women.
whose heart breaks for widows and orphans.
who’s always ready to cloth the naked and feed the hungry.
who desires a husband to provide and sacrifice for her and her family.
whose home is open to those in need.
who desires to live a daily adventure in desperate dependence on our God and King.

being a Man of God; a husband, father, and pastor

being an example for others to follow. that my life would be a testament to His mercy, grace, and love.

having as many children as God would provide. cultivating and discipling them into men and women of God.

planting (or replanting) and pastoring a church in southern california
serving, loving, teaching, leading, and discipling a body

stewarding all the resources He’s provided me to His glory and renown.

being dust and watching Him work mightily through, and despite me.

living a life worth living. not just existing but thriving. with a purpose, on purpose.

keeping fixed and focused on the Blesser over the blessing
putting flesh to Christ’s love
running with perseverance the race marked out for me

Why in the world did you come after me?
Thank you, thank you
Words aren’t enough, but for now I can say
Thank you, thank you
…
I can’t understand a love of this kind

“Thank You,” Sanctus Real

these words took on new depth in my life recently. father, may i learn to love, as you love me. to know my love is inadequate, and that i can only love from the overflow of your love for me.

Love is Patient
Love is Kind
Love does not Envy
Love does not Delight in Evil
Love is not Arrogant
Love is not Proud
Love is not Rude
Love is not Self Seeking
Love is not Easily Angered
Love always Protects
Love always Trusts
Love always Hopes
Love always Perseveres
Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs
Love Rejoices with the Truth

LOVE
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

i’ve been re-reading Josh Harris’s book “boy meets girl” today, and God weighted heavy these words on my heart, and tears fell as I read them…

“Ladies, despite what you may have experienced at the hands of your earthly father, know that this is the heart of your heavenly Father for you. You were never meant to be unprotected. I’m sorry that many of you have never had a Christian father like this to care for you. I’m sorry that negligence on the part of men has left you vulnerable to mistreatment and abuse. I’m sorry that you’ve had to assume masculine traits necessary to fight for yourself and be your own protector.

That isn’t God’s plan - it’s the consequence of our sin and disobedience. Jesus came to reverse the effects of sin. Part of the reason He’s given us the local church is to give fathers to the fatherless. God has given us the local church to be the spiritual family that can fill in where our natural family is lacking.”
(page 132)

will we be the men God has called us to be?